I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
