You work out of a Hotel?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can't turn off my feet"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
why is half of my head shaved?
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