theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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