I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
