a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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