omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
