We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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