if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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