guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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