I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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