I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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