Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
