I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
