I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
