Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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