Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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