why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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