New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
His nipple licking is glorious
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