I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
