Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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