You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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