Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
