I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
