No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
