Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
