I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have fence marks all over my body
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
