I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
