I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
