no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
