There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
