So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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