Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
