i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
