$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
