a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
