Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
