I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
