Where did you get a picture of my penis
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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