You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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