I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
