I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
