Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
