I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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