I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
