Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You're a waste of cheezeits
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
