it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
