my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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