kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
