You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You left your phone here
Wait...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
