seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
